Thank god I'll be done with these (RED ALERT, IT'S RAMBLING NONSENSE)

Okay, so I'm joking for the most part, but seriously, now I have one less thing to have to do instead of 100% dedication to cramming.

I've never actually struggled with trying to write a blog post, but I'm really freaking out over this one. See, in high school before IB I was never worried about anything at all, I was really laid back and I don't think I cared about anything. All I cared about was fighting. While that's actually a hilarious statement, it's true, I would spend at least 24 hours a week training at the dojo for tournaments. I also cared about my brother and the special olympics athletes I coached. That was the span of it though, and my interests. I was good at art, but I didn't care about it, I was just naturally good at a lot of things. I changed a lot in high school though. There are issues I'm aware of now, I actually cared about learning and educating myself and improving at things other than, you know, throwing punches. I know who I am now, something I certainly never was aware of. Honestly, this is just going to seem like a late night rant, which it is, but I just think it's a little amusing knowing that four years ago when I got up in the morning I was thinking about training and now that's the very last thing on my mind.

When I was in elementary school I was certain I wouldn't make it very far. Having learning disabilities made me feel like a failure. I worked extremely hard with studying in order to comprehend things and frequently went to the doctors so that they could figure out what was "wrong" with me. Probably quite a few things, but point is, suddenly stuff started to click. Middle school was easy, and contributed to me not really taking school seriously until junior year since I could slide by with A's but IB was different. There was work and not caring couldn't cut it. You had to care. And holy shit do I care now. Junior year was also when I got extremely invested in the clubs I had been a member in, junior year was the first year I felt stupid but not like a failure. It was challenging and while fighting depression once again I started to think I wasn't going to make it to where I am today.

At this point there are so many things I care about. I care about my art, where I'm going, who I am, my friends (boy do I care about y'all way too much what the heck guys), learning, improving myself, proving myself, and I care about tomorrow.I always cared about people but not like I do now, I didn't care about what people I didn't know were experiencing, only those close to home. Now I can actually see the kind of impact every single individual has on each other and how much it really matters. I don't know what it was that kicked me in the face and opened my eyes but it was around the time I joined IB so maybe it contributed..

 When I read this blog post I started having a panic attack. Thinking about my past is weird, the memories are jumbled and hazy and it makes me feel overwhelmingly sick. I hate who I was, but I'm just really excited to see who I am. Even if it's nothing extremely amazing or significant I want to live my life, see what kind of shitstorm I can cause, you know? Now I feel a lot of adrenaline, its almost 11 PM and I want to go start a fire then save everyone and put it out, check me out on WRAL, kids.

Okay but really I'm gonna go sleep, goodnight Obama and goodnight America.

window win a win window win win window win a window

Okay so please watch this video, it's complete irrelevant but I can't stop thinking about it. Honestly it's ruining my life, how am I supposed to write this blog post???
ACTUALLY IT IS KIND OF RELEVANT, LIKE WHITMAN, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HER.
I'll start reading Whitman's notebook now.

 Disclaimer: I'm dyslexic, so reading handwriting is already a struggle for me.
Wow I can't read at ALL. This is incredibly frustrating for me.
At first I see some names, and I can't tell if those are dates or maybe addresses, so I'm going to guess both. It seems like Whitman finds significance in having these written down, although if they were really important to him you'd think he'd try to make them more legible. I believe below that it says brochure followed by "two characters," who I assume he is defining. There are stamp marks throughout. And I have no idea what this means or what I'm supposed to be doing with this information. "Lessons for a President's elect," soooo he's teaching presidents maybe, with his story notes. Neato. Yeah, honestly I'm getting a headache, I don't know how any of this is significant. This is what I imagine trying to write while under various influences would look like. It's scattered and disoriented in my opinion, like me trying to take notes in physics when Hartman goes on a verbal tangent. It's vague and a mess, in other words.

NOW THESE DRAWINGS, I am down for these drawings. Okay so, going on a whim, the one with the hat is President Elect, and hatless old guy is him. This is depicting their conversation, and wow I think if you had a head that big with a body that small you'd have to drag you head while you walk. Unless they are the same person and he put on a hat? I guess this would make more sense since they are both facing the same direction, they don't look like they are talking or looking at each other that's for sure.
The only other thing I can decipher is that there is a poem at the bottom that says something like "the last war" and a badass drawing of a skeleton ghost wearing a cloud with like.. Cat ears on top or something, getting stabbed through the massive heart. (This supports my under the influence theory, just putting that out there)

Looking at the translations I see he puts a lot of effort describing people and his caricatures support these depictions for the most part. And if I go back and look further at "The last war" line then at that drawing with the skull, (ignoring that the translation suggested it was an allegory) I absolutely see them as related. I think this is super significant in how he felt everything was going to play out: this would be the last war, and the United States was gonna be gone, or something of the sort.

Okay I have a headache, and I'm gonna stop now to laugh more at that Iggy Azalea rap translation.